With Total Abandon

With total abandon

acrylics on canvas
120x100 cm
gold leaf accents
pearl iridescence accents
2019
available // 599 €

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1.12.2019

“Do you know what the opposite of depression is?"

I was on a walk with the kids and their grandma when she asked me this. I had to pause and think. There are many answers, but the one she gave me took me by surprise.

“It’s play”, se said. “The ability to play."

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I’ve been holding the thought in my mind for a week now, and it keeps fascinating me. It keeps speaking to me about something that’s… weighty.

If I’m totally honest, this fall hasn’t been always just… easy. Most of the days it’s sunshine and unbelievable thankfulness. I still struggle to believe this is my “job” now…! But, on some days there’s Stuff I’ve Had To Deal With. I think the right word would be “frightening”. “Challenging” is a good one too. It feels a bit like walking eyes closed in the forest; you have to place your feet on the ground very carefully, move slowly, hands extended, grope around to avoid obstacles, test the ground to avoid stumbling. And if I’m even more honest, some days I have given up and just crawled on all fours.

The challenge comes from all the responsibility. To be self-employed is freeing and wonderful and so relieving - and at the same time it’s slightly frightening and forces you to actually face some things. It’s one thing to build a working schedule that seems to function, to adult with everything - and it’s an another thing to face all your inner obstacles, fears and worries that try to keep you from running after your dreams.

Can I do this?
Do I have what it takes?
Am I brave enough to do this?

Walking slowly. Placing one feet in front of the other.

But here’s the thing. One morning a while ago I was watching my kids getting ready to go to preschool and daycare. They were planning all the games they were going to play with their friends. It was amazing to witness that - a new day ahead meant a chance to just play, to enjoy themselves, to fall headlong into an adventure or imagination and joy.

They had no worries. They concentrated on the adventure ahead, with abandon.

I was a bit jealous.

And then it hit me.

I can do the same.
I can do the same!

There’s no one, literally no one telling me what I should do each given day. That’s kind of the problem. But - what if it could be the solution too..!?

I longed to just go and play. To run into a day of games an imagination. The small voice in my mind tried to remind me of The Importance of Being Worried, but suddenly it seemed like utter nonsense. What’s the point of being worried? It won’t help me get anywhere; it won’t help me create anything. Fear seldom works like that. I realised I was free to be like my kids - true, there are some Serious Business Things that you have to take care of, but after that I would be free to… play.

So I went to the studio, took a large canvas, and started playing. I didn’t have an agenda, I didn’t try to plan things, to achieve specific goals. I just wanted to frolic in the colour and see where it wanted to go. And it was so good. So, so good. I wanted to see if I could paint that feeling; the freedom, the curious joy.

And I have an idea. I’m going to try to make this my work routine. I’m going to see what actually happens if you start from a place of abandon; from curiosity, playfulness, fascination. It doesn’t have to be impulsive, it doesn’t have to be unstructured. But my brain just was so overjoyed to get to ditch the nagging voices of worry and just enter the magical place where it used to hang out as a kid.

I’m starting to think that freedom is a muscle you can train. There are things that try to weigh you down. True, sometimes they are almost impossible to overcome. But sometimes they are self-made.

Hope is a choice. Freedom can be fought for. Joy sustains life. And these are the truth, not the fears in my mind.